'Delusions and Deprogramming’

 

'Delusions and Deprogramming’

By Farhana Hossain ID: 23236035

Clinging on to a feeling has never helped anyone. We must keep moving. There have been
times in my life when I have been stopped dead in the track by something that captivated all my
attention and energy. When I was young it was almost everything my young mind found
beautiful. Now that I am older and know better, I got more resistant to being halted in my
journey. This might be a very embarrassingly late discovery but it is a necessary one
nonetheless. I suffered from a fatal error almost half the time I have been alive, materialism. I
would spend an unnecessary amount of time on materialistic things which included but were not
limited to vision boards, clothes, perfumes and almost every other vain thing in existence.

 

Through all this insanity, I did know one thing though, I was forgetting to live my life while
planning every detail on how to live it. My materialism was fueled by a dire need to control
everything. To make matters worse, I had a crippling OCD which was also made worse by my
pessimistic attitude. In short, I had absolutely no hope. Sometimes I would daydream my entire
life to the exact minute detail all the while hating what reality I was living in. It was indeed quite
late to realize that I had to be more positive in order to get myself out of this stump. This was
aided by discipline, routine and thoughtfulness. Whenever I would have setbacks in this
recovery journey it would be because of others that would find it interesting to bring me down.
Their nature was similar to Klingsor, they were trying to diminish all inspiration in any human
being including themselves.

 

The realization that hit me after I started following a routine was that beauty doesn’t manifest
because you need it but rather because you feel it. So, I tried to resonate with that. I started to
observe the environment around me more. And honestly, I have been missing out. The view from my balcony is great. It is far better than the fake vacation I have been dreaming of. I can

feel the cold air and see the starry sky as is. I don’t have to long to feel happy. Being present
and observant aids in staying happy.

 

The other thing that curbed my pessimism are my prayers. To each their own but I have a very
strong faith in my religion. I believe that religion provides a protocol to solve every problem that
might arise in one’s life. It provided me with a feeling of trust, familiarity and love. It grounded
me and made me realize everything to a deeper extent. It provided me with safety. I had a
strong distaste towards atheism all my life and I found nihilism and arrogance very repulsive. So
naturally, I pushed myself away from those things. All I have to say about belief is that it cannot
be forced and that it has been a gift that keeps giving.

 

So now that I am better, more hopeful, healthy and happy, I hope to live my beautiful life just as I
would live my imaginary life. Honestly if it hadn’t been for me going this far into no man’s land, I
probably wouldn’t have appreciated this life in front of me. It’s a beautiful life and it’s even
prettier when you realize the depth of its beauty.

Picture collected from Pinterest

By Farhana Hossain ID: 23236035